Unbearable pain
by charisma26
Summary: What was Dean thinking as he drove to lisa's at the end of season 5? what was he thinking as he left his brother behind, knowing that he would never see him again? Tag to the season 5 finale. Tag to 5x22. please R and R! sad dean guarenteed.


Disclaimer: supernatural does not belong to me, unfortunately!

Something compelled me to write this, I just had to! Enjoy!

Dean drove. He kept his foot on the gas pedal and drove, not daring to look back. His mind was numb and his heart was heavy. How could he have let that happen? Why in god's name did he allow his brother, his own flesh and blood, to jump straight into hellfire with no hope in hell to get out?

He remembered how he sat there, useless, as his brother gave him a small nod and sideways smile, reassuring him that what he was going to do it would be okay. Dean sighed, none of this was okay, none of it – the world didn't deserve Sam's sacrifice, all those pitiful humans that would carry on as normal, drinking themselves to death or better yet, killing each other with not a care in the world. No one deserved Sam. Why should Sam suffer so the world could carry on – it didn't make any sense.

"It's okay Dean, it's gonna be okay" Sam had stuttered, a look of courage plastered on his face. His brother was stubborn, no doubt about that, but why didn't he let Dean help him? Why wouldn't he allow him to save him like he had done so many times? Sammy was his world, his everything, the one constant thing in his life that he couldn't live without and it had just been torn away from him and Dean felt sick.

"I've got him" Those words reverberated inside Dean's skull, forever burned into his brain. He would never forget what Sam had said, how he looked straight at Dean with that knowing, reassuring look. The last moments of his brother's life and Dean would have to remember his struggle, his pain, his jump… Dean shook his head, trying to clear away the tears.

The pain that Sam… Lucifer, had inflicted on him in that graveyard was nothing compared to the emotional turmoil. The ache in his chest, the sickness in the pit of his stomach, the burning in his head… it hurt worse than anything he'd experienced. Sam was his brother, his little brother, who he was supposed to take care of and he had failed, he had failed.

Dean felt the warm salt water cascading down his cheeks and made no move to wipe it away. There was no one there to see him crying, everyone he had cared about was either gone, dead or drinking themselves to death A.K.A Bobby, what did he have left?

For a moment Dean considered running his car into a tree, why not he had nothing to lose after all right? But Sam's face flashed in his mind, his hazel eyes staring straight into his soul, telling, no ordering him to go to Lisa's. Dean had promised him and Dean never broke his promises, especially ones to his little brother.

Dean loved Lisa, of course he did, how could he not? But as he drove there he couldn't help but feel he had left apart of himself in that godforsaken graveyard. He would never be the same person ever again, that he was sure about. So he continued to drive to Lisa's, intending to not break his promise.

He gripped the steering wheel tighter, his knuckles turning white as he stared out the windscreen, the rain making it hard to see. He realised now how hard he had been on Sam for the past few years, pressuring him, molly coddling him, mistrusting him… no wonder he had trusted Ruby over Dean, Ruby was the best option at the time.

Dean wished he could take it all back, everything he had said to Sammy in those moments of rage and anger, now wanting nothing more than to take his abnormally tall little brother into his arms and never let go, just grip him tight and have a 'chick-flick' moment. Dean missed all those opportunities to be a friend to his brother because he was so angry… why? Why couldn't he have just let it all go? Why?

Dean took a shuddering breath, willing the pain to go away. He just wanted his Sammy was that too much to ask? He tried to get the painful images out of his head of what Lucifer and Michael were doing to Sam but he couldn't. Having been to hell himself he knew what degrees of torture there was and winced, knowing that was Sam was going through would be a hundred times worse. Dean shuddered, and let more tears escape for his lost brother.

Dean drove. He kept his foot on the gas pedal and drove, not daring to look back. The memories were already crushing him from the inside out but he was determined to keep himself together, if not for him then for his brother. He would do it for Sammy because he had made a promise, and Dean always kept his promises… no matter what.

So, it was just something that popped into my head! Your reviews would be lovely!

Peace out!


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